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Saturday, April 21, 2012

40,000 words! ---4/20/2012---4:33 pm

Hello Readers,

Let me tell you how I write. I make a word document for each chapter that I write and when finished, I print them out to be proofread (someone once told me what looks one way on the computer, looks another way in print and that is so true). After I may the corrections to a chapter, I put all the revised chapters in another document together. In my last book, I must have complained my ass off when people told me that I didn't have a novel because I only had like 38, 000 words (not including the second part). Well of the eleven chapters that I've written so far, nine are officially together and to my surprise, my words count is already a couple  thousand over 40,000 words and from the looks of everything going on inside my head, this book is going to be longer than the first two parts. That's right folks, no part one and part two, just one story.

You see things changed for me when I stopped focusing on the quantity of my work and started to focus on the quality of my work. In my last book, I would have never made it to 40,000 words since that was all I was focusing on. Just having a printed out copy of my book was enough for me (which by the way is awesome since I have fixed all the formatting errors inside and it actually looks like a real book and I am proud of it now)! Anywhoo, after seeing my new copy, I was just eager to write down everything else and finish this story. I don't plan on taking a break until book three. I am not trying to rush publishing, but ya'll got to understand, I really do daydream a lot. Don't get me wrong, I am always busy, but I always find time on my hands to daydream...or in my case, zone out. (Not to mention, a friend of mines love my work and she keeps begging for more chapters.) I have been daydreaming this stuff since I was twelve, I didn't officially just think about writing books until my freshman year in high school, so I got a lot of story built up and once I began putting it out, I can't help but keep going. I daydream in bed, in class, numerous times a day, and my personal favorite is when I'm listening to my mp3 in a car or on a bus. Well...I've been trying to stop daydreaming when in vehicles because I've been doing it for years now and I've began to associate daydreaming with any vehicle. Now that I am driving, I don't really need to focus anywhere else. My eyes and mind should be on the road one hundred percent of the time, so I'm working on that one.                                

Well readers, that's all for today. I need to start writing chapter 12, so until next time...

Queen B.

The Pressure Is On--7:06 pm--4/17/2012

Hey Readers,

I am stressed out! Graduation is fast approaching and it seems like I have loads of work...well it doesn't seem like, I actually do. I don't know if I have told ya'll before but I have been taken dual enrolled classes since my junior year in high school, which means I will start college in the fall with eighteen credit hours. I've worked my ass off in high school so I will have a really easy first year. Sure it all sounds great, but actually getting there is the hard part. Now the work is easy, it's just the workload versus my schedule. My class gets out of school on May 4th. I graduate on May 8th. Now I have no high school classes, I just act as a Teacher’s Aid/ Peer Tutor. However, I am still enrolled in two college courses: my second freshman English and American History, which means I have to go by the college's schedule instead of my high school schedule. For some reason my professors seemed to have the bright idea of posting all the work we haven't had a chance to cover this year. In English, I have five assignments, two of which are long (6-8 page) research papers and one of those is going to be on a book that I have to search for a buy from somewhere. Must I remind you that Mansfield has no bookstores and Wal-Mart certainly doesn't have the book I need. The only thing that Pelican has is a corner gas station. I don't know anything about Many or Pleasant Hill or Zwolle because I don't have a reason to go that way. On top of all of that, I have three chapter of history to do plus quizzes on each of those chapters, then I have Exam 3 which is on all of the chapters in that unit, and then I have my final exam over all the chapters we have covered this year. Now all that has to be done by May 4th, which is no problem for me because I actually like this history class. I have fifteen days left of school to finish all the work on my online courses. You do remember me telling you that I don't have internet at home or my own computer? I just needed to vent for a minute while I stare depressingly at the stack of printouts that I have to carry home everyday just so I can stay ahead.

I know I'm complaining, but I can do that now that I am finally getting some things done around here. Thank God I just finished my APA research paper. Now I just need to get my hands on a copy of The Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka so I can do my other research paper, which I am so glad is in MLA format...yes! I only have two more chapters of history to go and I will be finish. I may have loose thoughts, but I do have time management skills when I need them. My only issue is finding a way to complete my English exam on May 7th, which is the day before graduation, which also means I will be out of school with no internet access. Well folks looks like I'm going to have to go to school one extra day.

Anywhoo, all this ish above will fall into play in due time. I'm not worried about it, but I am really stressed out, because I am now realizing my possible college workload. It was a huge "WELCOME TO COLLEGE," reality check for me. I know you guys don't know this but, this was supposed to be my break from writing. I actually finished up to chapter 10 and stopped (on purpose, not because I was stuck). A while ago my mama had gotten me a book by Kiki Swanson and some other girl who I know, but I can't remember how to spell it right now. Her first name begins with a D and her last name is Diamond. Anywhoo, to me, reading someone else's work is like eating someone else’s cooking. I love cooking and baking, but now my mother loves it so much that I am the main cook in the family so I love it when I get to eat my mother's or my sister's cooking. Well, that's what reading does for me. I can sit back and relax and enjoy someone else's work for a change. Well, so much for that dream. I can't read that book, because I am doing extra school work and get this I actually started writing the first page of chapter 11. I never thought I'd see the day when doing more writing is my break and it actually feels great. I just hate having my story in my head and not having the time to actually write it down. I daydream a lot so, I don't really forget what I'm going to write next, I just keep "re-living" it until I get it out and then I can move on to the next part. As a matter of fact, since I worked so hard and finished my APA paper, I think I'm going to treat myself and work on chapter 11 for the rest of the night (after I finish this entry of course).

So Saturday, I experienced being a bridesmaid for the first time in my life. The girl I referred to in my last blog that was so close to me that I don't consider her a friend anymore, she's my sister. Well she went all the way on April 14, 2012 at about 3:30 pm. Don't worry, she is not in her teens, I hang out with older people. Anywhoo, it was just me, her, her husband, and his best man up there. I was so honored to be the only one standing behind her, but that's another story. I never thought I'd be in a wedding at this young, but it opened my eyes up even more about life and not only how fast my friends and I are growing up, but how fast our generation is growing up (or wanting to grow up as the adults like to say). I don't think it's us, I think it's the time and the atmosphere that my friends and I are growing up in. For example, (and I'm talking to strictly the ones who have read my book) I have a wild imagination with my plots and characters, but a lot of the stuff in my books are based of true instances and 80%-90% of my characters are based off of the people that I know. So, my advice to the adults out there, don't blame the children for the way they act or for "growing up too fast," blame the times we live in and blame the people you let them around. They didn't get it on their own, but it had to come from somewhere...think about it.

Until next time readers...

Queen B.

Mood Swings---4/2/2012---3:28 pm

Hello Readers,

I wanted to change things up a bit today. Recently I fell into a great depression. I didn't want to eat, didn't want to talk, and I really didn't want to be. Now let me back up here and start from the beginning. I have an attitude out of this world. I got it from my mother's side and from my sperm donor's side, so as you can see I got a double dose of boiling blood. Anywhoo, it's out of this world and that's all I can say, but ask anyone close to me and they can tell you more than I can. Now, I have five best friends...and yes I do mean best friends. I had more but when push came to shove I realized that these girls are my real best friends and the other chicks were just leaves. These chicks held me down through everything and vice versa. We have been through it all together, make-ups, breakups, fights, arguments, arrests, community service, probation, pregnancy scares, miscarriages, pregnancies, and births. The one thing about my girls is that their attitude and tempers are just like mine. The only difference is that I have self-control and most of the time they don't. Well, one day me and one of my friends got into a heated argument. I had just started my cycle and her being the feistiest one, we always clash when I'm on my cycle, and it never fails. She's the type of person who goes off on you and dares you to pop off at her. It takes a lot to tick me off, because I don't let people get to me, but when I'm ticked off, I don't think before speaking and I don't remember half the things I said. Well, I started arguing back and our driver pulled over and separated us. My other bestie was on the bus with us and she is my absolute best friend, who by the way didn't do anything to me or have anything to do with our argument. Well, lately I was feeling pushed out. They was getting closer and leaving me behind. I don't know, but the next day I didn't want to talk to neither one of them. That evening, my friend came and apologizing for cursing me out (which shocked the hell out of me because this chick never apologies) and for some reason I still didn't want to talk to either one of them.

It's crazy how my mind is sometimes. I'd cry myself through the day. I get angry and then I cry myself to sleep. I wake up happy and on top of the world, then when I get to school a grey cloud engulfs me. I'd literally, got off the bus, put my head down in the cafeteria and ignore them until it was time for class (because after all we were still sitting together), then I'll zone out in class and people constantly asked what's wrong and every time they touched me I cried. I didn't even eat lunch anymore; I dip out and go sit alone on one of the picnic tables that are in the woods. When lunch was over, I was sad again and then I'd get around one of the girls in my class and we'd talk and laugh and I'd be happy again. Then, I'd cry myself through the bus ride home, just to start everything all over again. I'm the type of person who likes to act like the grown up in my group. I like to console my girls and keep them together, but who do I go to? When I was young I used to have stomach problems and I'd cry about everything and eventually my mother got tired of me. She wouldn't say it completely, but there would be hints. She'll slip and say something here or she'll act differently and don't respond as quickly, so I started suffering alone. I said well damn if my own mother gets tired of me than I know everybody else will too. I made a vow to myself not to cry. Even though I am female, I'd always say be a man emotionally. Act like a lady, look like a lady, but be hard and cold as ice on the inside. Well, I had finally had enough and every little thing that had ever gone wrong in my life just fell on my shoulders. In my past I had walked in on my sister wrestling a knife from my mother's hand. I mean no five or six year old should have to ever. Then, a few years later, my sister had to get her stomach pumped because she swallowed a bottle of pills. A couple years ago, I found myself in a dark room contemplating, fast and painless or slow and very painful. I chose slow and very painful because I felt that I should punish myself for all the bad that I had done or rather thought I had done to everybody in the world. My thing was going to be chemicals, because I knew if I swallowed enough cleaning supplies and other household chemicals, I would vomit and have stomach aches until eventually....yeah you know. I was going to take out my mother's cleaning supplies; she had spic and span, pine sol, Clorox, and ammonia. As soon as I picked up that bottle of Spic and Span, she called me into the kitchen to do something for her.  Sometime after that I wrote my Suicide Letter before my second attempt and as you can see that didn't work either. At school, I felt I didn't belong because I was walking around alone.  I felt nobody loved me. I started wondering how I was going to pay for college with my current financial status. Enlist or not to enlist. Then I started going through some things about my sperm donor. He raised three of the five children that I know about. Why not me? What was wrong with me? Why didn't he want me? Why doesn't he care? You know same-o-same-o. Anywhoo, like I was saying, I had had enough and my mind was slowly slipping back into my past mindset. This time, however, I had made up in my soul that I would never sink that low again. I have dreams in life that I would like to see come true. I want to see myself in a better living situation. I want to be able to take care of my mother one day. I want to be able to experience having my own family. Hell, I just want to make it to college. Hell, I want to experience the good side of life because I've been living through the struggle since day one. You know there are just some things a seventeen year old shouldn't have to worry about just yet or ever for that fact. It's not the little questions either like, where is my next meal going to come from? My questions are: How am I going to survive period? How do I, Valedictorian, make it seem that I have it all together? How do I smile through the pain and realities that I face at home? How do I take care of me, so I don't have to burden my mother so maybe one day she doesn't have to live paycheck to paycheck? Anywhoo, I called another one of my besties. Me and her are so close that I don't consider her my friend anymore, she's my sister. She is three years older than me and I knew she didn't mind taking a few minutes away from her fiancĂ© to talk some sense into my head. Her diagnosis was that I was bipolar and if I was still sexually active, she'd say I was pregnant. Then after she had made fun of me and got me back laughing, she suggested I talk to my bestie to see if our friendship was only temporary. I said fuck her and fuck talking because if she wanted to talk, she knows my number and she sees me walking around campus alone every damn day.

Then when I mixed all of this together, school seemed unimportant. I said I got to make it happen for me. Well, the next week, I didn't return to school until Wednesday because I had an FBLA conference to attend in Lafayette. I think that's what I needed. I needed to get away... (Buy a couple pair of shoes) and just relax with a real cool group of students who aren't in my regular circle of friends. Before I had left, I stumbled across an old letter that my bestie had written me and it made me cry. The worst part about it was I had no way to reach her until Wednesday, but it was for the best. It was on that trip that I realized the root of all my problems...senioritis. I thought my friends were isolating themselves from me, but I was isolating myself from my friends and everybody else in school. I had to swallow my pride and admit that I was wrong and apologize (which is something I never do). I thought I was outgrowing my friends, but I was wrong. I knew these chicks were crazy when I picked them up, but that didn't change anything. I am the glue and just like it can hold us together, it can rip us apart too. Wednesday morning, I told the friend that I'm always arguing with that I was sorry for acting like a bitch for the past two weeks and she said, "So, I've been acting like a bitch too. Tell me something new." Then, we started catching up like we had never stopped talking. When my bestie came to school later that morning I said, "I'm sorry for treating you like a bitch, because you never did anything to me." Then she said, "It's okay, she was just giving me my space." You see my thing is, I am constantly checking on people and I expect them to run to me and do the same, but sometimes things just don't work like that. Actually, everybody was constantly checking on me because they never see me down like that and I had them worried. It's just that the two people, I wanted to come running, didn't. They actually were the only people who gave me what I asked for and that was space...two weeks of it to be exact. So my advice to everyone reading this is to be careful what you ask for, because you just might get it and if you ask for it make sure you really want it.
Until next time...
Queen B