I wanted to change things up a bit today. Recently I fell into a great depression. I didn't want to eat, didn't want to talk, and I really didn't want to be. Now let me back up here and start from the beginning. I have an attitude out of this world. I got it from my mother's side and from my sperm donor's side, so as you can see I got a double dose of boiling blood. Anywhoo, it's out of this world and that's all I can say, but ask anyone close to me and they can tell you more than I can. Now, I have five best friends...and yes I do mean best friends. I had more but when push came to shove I realized that these girls are my real best friends and the other chicks were just leaves. These chicks held me down through everything and vice versa. We have been through it all together, make-ups, breakups, fights, arguments, arrests, community service, probation, pregnancy scares, miscarriages, pregnancies, and births. The one thing about my girls is that their attitude and tempers are just like mine. The only difference is that I have self-control and most of the time they don't. Well, one day me and one of my friends got into a heated argument. I had just started my cycle and her being the feistiest one, we always clash when I'm on my cycle, and it never fails. She's the type of person who goes off on you and dares you to pop off at her. It takes a lot to tick me off, because I don't let people get to me, but when I'm ticked off, I don't think before speaking and I don't remember half the things I said. Well, I started arguing back and our driver pulled over and separated us. My other bestie was on the bus with us and she is my absolute best friend, who by the way didn't do anything to me or have anything to do with our argument. Well, lately I was feeling pushed out. They was getting closer and leaving me behind. I don't know, but the next day I didn't want to talk to neither one of them. That evening, my friend came and apologizing for cursing me out (which shocked the hell out of me because this chick never apologies) and for some reason I still didn't want to talk to either one of them.
It's crazy how my mind is sometimes. I'd cry myself through the day. I get angry and then I cry myself to sleep. I wake up happy and on top of the world, then when I get to school a grey cloud engulfs me. I'd literally, got off the bus, put my head down in the cafeteria and ignore them until it was time for class (because after all we were still sitting together), then I'll zone out in class and people constantly asked what's wrong and every time they touched me I cried. I didn't even eat lunch anymore; I dip out and go sit alone on one of the picnic tables that are in the woods. When lunch was over, I was sad again and then I'd get around one of the girls in my class and we'd talk and laugh and I'd be happy again. Then, I'd cry myself through the bus ride home, just to start everything all over again. I'm the type of person who likes to act like the grown up in my group. I like to console my girls and keep them together, but who do I go to? When I was young I used to have stomach problems and I'd cry about everything and eventually my mother got tired of me. She wouldn't say it completely, but there would be hints. She'll slip and say something here or she'll act differently and don't respond as quickly, so I started suffering alone. I said well damn if my own mother gets tired of me than I know everybody else will too. I made a vow to myself not to cry. Even though I am female, I'd always say be a man emotionally. Act like a lady, look like a lady, but be hard and cold as ice on the inside. Well, I had finally had enough and every little thing that had ever gone wrong in my life just fell on my shoulders. In my past I had walked in on my sister wrestling a knife from my mother's hand. I mean no five or six year old should have to ever. Then, a few years later, my sister had to get her stomach pumped because she swallowed a bottle of pills. A couple years ago, I found myself in a dark room contemplating, fast and painless or slow and very painful. I chose slow and very painful because I felt that I should punish myself for all the bad that I had done or rather thought I had done to everybody in the world. My thing was going to be chemicals, because I knew if I swallowed enough cleaning supplies and other household chemicals, I would vomit and have stomach aches until eventually....yeah you know. I was going to take out my mother's cleaning supplies; she had spic and span, pine sol, Clorox, and ammonia. As soon as I picked up that bottle of Spic and Span, she called me into the kitchen to do something for her. Sometime after that I wrote my Suicide Letter before my second attempt and as you can see that didn't work either. At school, I felt I didn't belong because I was walking around alone. I felt nobody loved me. I started wondering how I was going to pay for college with my current financial status. Enlist or not to enlist. Then I started going through some things about my sperm donor. He raised three of the five children that I know about. Why not me? What was wrong with me? Why didn't he want me? Why doesn't he care? You know same-o-same-o. Anywhoo, like I was saying, I had had enough and my mind was slowly slipping back into my past mindset. This time, however, I had made up in my soul that I would never sink that low again. I have dreams in life that I would like to see come true. I want to see myself in a better living situation. I want to be able to take care of my mother one day. I want to be able to experience having my own family. Hell, I just want to make it to college. Hell, I want to experience the good side of life because I've been living through the struggle since day one. You know there are just some things a seventeen year old shouldn't have to worry about just yet or ever for that fact. It's not the little questions either like, where is my next meal going to come from? My questions are: How am I going to survive period? How do I, Valedictorian, make it seem that I have it all together? How do I smile through the pain and realities that I face at home? How do I take care of me, so I don't have to burden my mother so maybe one day she doesn't have to live paycheck to paycheck? Anywhoo, I called another one of my besties. Me and her are so close that I don't consider her my friend anymore, she's my sister. She is three years older than me and I knew she didn't mind taking a few minutes away from her fiancé to talk some sense into my head. Her diagnosis was that I was bipolar and if I was still sexually active, she'd say I was pregnant. Then after she had made fun of me and got me back laughing, she suggested I talk to my bestie to see if our friendship was only temporary. I said fuck her and fuck talking because if she wanted to talk, she knows my number and she sees me walking around campus alone every damn day.
Then when I mixed all of this together, school seemed unimportant. I said I got to make it happen for me. Well, the next week, I didn't return to school until Wednesday because I had an FBLA conference to attend in Lafayette. I think that's what I needed. I needed to get away... (Buy a couple pair of shoes) and just relax with a real cool group of students who aren't in my regular circle of friends. Before I had left, I stumbled across an old letter that my bestie had written me and it made me cry. The worst part about it was I had no way to reach her until Wednesday, but it was for the best. It was on that trip that I realized the root of all my problems...senioritis. I thought my friends were isolating themselves from me, but I was isolating myself from my friends and everybody else in school. I had to swallow my pride and admit that I was wrong and apologize (which is something I never do). I thought I was outgrowing my friends, but I was wrong. I knew these chicks were crazy when I picked them up, but that didn't change anything. I am the glue and just like it can hold us together, it can rip us apart too. Wednesday morning, I told the friend that I'm always arguing with that I was sorry for acting like a bitch for the past two weeks and she said, "So, I've been acting like a bitch too. Tell me something new." Then, we started catching up like we had never stopped talking. When my bestie came to school later that morning I said, "I'm sorry for treating you like a bitch, because you never did anything to me." Then she said, "It's okay, she was just giving me my space." You see my thing is, I am constantly checking on people and I expect them to run to me and do the same, but sometimes things just don't work like that. Actually, everybody was constantly checking on me because they never see me down like that and I had them worried. It's just that the two people, I wanted to come running, didn't. They actually were the only people who gave me what I asked for and that was space...two weeks of it to be exact. So my advice to everyone reading this is to be careful what you ask for, because you just might get it and if you ask for it make sure you really want it.Until next time...